Journal of a Miscarriage

8/19/06
I'm just going to go right into this because I don't really know how to ease into this subject… but I'm pretty sure I'm going to miscarry this baby. I've been bleeding for over a week, and I just have this feeling… things aren't right with this pregnancy.

I went to my OB yesterday and she was a bit surprised at how much I was bleeding. I thought it was just spotting, but she said I was bleeding. Anyway, the ultrasound didn't reveal much. Just the ovum. No embryo yet, but that is not abnormal for the stage I am in. She estimates 5 weeks. I took a blood test this morning and I have to go in for 2 more every other day to check that HGC levels are going up. Then in 2 weeks I am due for another ultrasound to look for the heartbeat.

I've just had some weird feelings, like I can FEEL things going on in my uterus. Is that crazy? Can you feel your uterus? I feel like it is turning inside out sometimes or twisting. I guess it kind of feels like cramps, but different. It doesn't really hurt, it's just uncomfortable. Also I am having lower back pain, a dull tolerable pain. It is more emotionally tormenting than anything, because I feel like I can FEEL myself losing this pregnancy. I haven't really even allowed myself to cry.

The thing that really did it for me- is that I no longer feel like my breasts are sensitive at all. With my first pregnancy and at the beginning of this one, I was so sore I had to be careful in putting on a shirt. I know it was like that for the first few months when I was pregnant with Isaiah. Now that feeling kind of just disappeared. I hear that is one of the symptoms of miscarriage. I told my husband that I am 99.9% sure that this pregnancy wasn't going to be viable. I just feel it. He said, at least there is that 1/10 of a percent. He said, let's just wait and see what the tests and the ultrasound say. I know he is still holding out hope for something I don't think will become a reality. It makes me sad, because I know how much we both wanted this. I almost don't want to even do more blood tests because they are just going to tell me what I think I already know.

A few days ago I felt like things would be okay either way- if I miscarried, it wasn't meant to be. It's all in God's plan. I was so proud of my own attitude. Like, wow, I can get through this and I can move on and it won't be a big deal. I looked at my son and my husband and I felt like if this was all I'd ever have, I would still be the most blessed woman in the world. But today I think that feeling has worn off a little bit… maybe because I can physically feel things happening inside of me. I can feel myself losing the baby. I find myself kind of spacing out sometimes…and of course I am so exhausted. I am so tired. I feel guilty that I can't play with my toddler too much, I can't pick him up as much. I can't keep up like I used to. I feel stupid for telling everyone that we were pregnant so early. I knew we should've waited, but we were just so excited.

8/21/06
I went in for my 2nd HGC test today. A little bit later I am going to call the dr. to get the results of the first one. Yesterday I felt so good all day, although I was starting to bleed more heavily. Today I am bleeding a lot and I am so tired. I'm soaking a pad every few hours…it's getting progressively worse, so I'm pretty sure this is really happening.

It really is such a rollercoaster. One day I think that I am going to lose this baby, the next day I think, well maybe not, plenty of women bleed while they are pregnant. Then I tell myself not to hope. It's crazy what this does to you. It's hard not to think about it every minute of every day. I am trying to keep myself busy. I am trying to plan vacations for our family. But it's hard to plan ahead when you don't know what's happening. Then I start to feel guilty about my thoughts, thoughts like, well if we go here, and I'm not pregnant anymore, maybe it will be easier. Than I feel just awful for even thinking it. I do want this baby with all my heart. And maybe I should really pour all my hopes and dreams into a healthy pregnancy and stop trying to grieve before it's even over…like I owe it to this little life to dream about it like I dreamt about my first… that maybe if I did things would get better. Then reality hits and I know that no matter how much I wish or hope, what's meant to be is only in God's hands and not in mine. So, up and down with the emotions, and then sometimes I am just numb. My mind is exhausted from all this thinking. And my body is exhausted from trying to go on like "normal".

My husband has been so wonderful. I don't know what I would do with out him. I just have to keep reminding myself of everything I am so blessed to have that so many others could only dream of.

8/22/06
Yesterday I started to give up on the hope that this could still possibly be a viable pregnancy. I pretty much knew a few days ago. But there was always that little glimmer, you know? That tiny tugging feeling in your heart saying, hey- wait, it’s not over until it’s really over. But then came the bleeding. Not just a little... a lot of blood flowing out of me so much… the toilet full of blood every time. So all those reports of women bleeding and still going on to have healthy pregnancies that I kept in the back of my mind, well I figured it was time to put those away... time to stop scouring the internet looking for stories that turned out normal. I know Dave still is clinging. He just wants to wait and see. Wait and see. But that for me is the hardest part. Waiting to have my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. I don’t want to wait for this. I don’t want to wait to see a sonogram without a heartbeat. I just want to know 100% right now. I just want someone to give it to me in black and white. I just want to know how I should feel. I just want to know.

Every little pain, every little movement I feel inside of me is agonizing. It just sends me spiraling into a crazy wave of emotions. Anywhere from grief to anger to resignation to denial to guilt and then love.

Love conquers all. I am one of the blessed few to experience this every day. Is it weird to feel proud of the little life we created even if it dies inside of me? Just knowing that our little Belly Bean came into this world conceived of love, makes me smile. Just knowing that we made life and I carry it inside of me makes me happy. I have strange feelings of wanting to keep Belly Bean inside of me, regardless of a beating heart or not. I know it seems morbid. But maybe I don’t want to let go yet, either way. I still love Belly Bean... Dead or alive. I still love you now and always will. I hope that before your life was over, that you somehow knew.

I guess my body will let go when it’s ready. Here we are, back to wait and see. Tomorrow another blood test.

8/24/06
Yesterday I begged God to give me a miracle. I told Him how mad I was at Him. That I couldn’t believe He would let us go through this. I prayed that he would stop this bleeding right now, and turn this around for me. I prayed that he would heal this life inside of me. I prayed for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby if it was His will. Then, I took a long nap.

When I woke up the bleeding was a lot less. Today even less. Dare I allow myself to even think this might just happen? I tell myself no, no- not even a little bit. But a little bit of me hopes for it anyway.

8/25/06
Finally today I got official news. My HGC levels have dropped which confirms that I am indeed miscarrying. Right now I guess I am just numb. I am relieved to finally know for sure though. Even though I already knew, it’s still so devastating. It’s so strange. I feel like I’ve waited for so long for the lab results. But right when the doctor got on the phone I had this urge to just hang up. Like I didn’t want to hear it, like if I didn’t hear it, it wasn’t happening. I feel like I go through moments of madness like this every now and again.

The doctor asks if I’m okay. Not in a clinical way. But in a sweet sympathetic way like she is really concerned. I tell her, yes, I’m okay. I already knew, but I needed confirmation, so I could stop… hoping. I stumble on that last word because it just seems wrong to stop hoping. In another week I go in for another ultrasound. This one is to confirm that my body has successfully expelled the egg sac. I haven’t decided if I will look at the screen or not.

I actually feel okay until I start thinking about having to tell my husband… I break down just thinking about it and wonder if I can just put it off until he comes home. But I know I can’t. I know he will call and I will have to deliver this devastating news while he is a work.

My friend just had her baby. I am so happy for her, yet, I am trying desperately to keep my miscarriage and her birth two separate issues. But I know that Noah’s birthday will always remind me that I lost a baby. It’s so ironic how one life begins and another ends right before our very eyes. I know this is how the world works, but to actually feel it happen to you is a different story.

I just feel tired right now. I feel like I’ve been tired for awhile. Exhausted from what my body is going through. Exhausted from being pregnant, and having all those hormones inside of me, all those thoughts… all those dreams, all those plans. Now I’m exhausted from the miscarriage. Exhausted from my body expelling the pregnancy. Tired from wondering, hoping, trying to stay positive. Tired from grieving, knowing, hurting, feeling this, watching this happen. Letting it go, flushing it away. It just seems wrong to lose a life that way.

I am not mad at God today. Because I think He is grieving too. Or maybe he is rejoicing that he’s got another angel up in heaven.

So now, I grieve, I grieve for a life that never took a breath and a heart that never beat. I guess I will grieve for our Belly Bean all of my life. It’s just something I don’t think someone will ever get over, since there are really no goodbyes if there's never a hello to begin with.